I haven't been this sober since birth.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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