I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
