the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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