let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
