I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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