We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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