Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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