I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
