its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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