the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
