I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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