Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
her facebook's as public as her vagina
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
