She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
