Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
