have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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