DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
