i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
