she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
