i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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