addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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