the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
