dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
