why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
