After last night, I could never be a politician.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
