You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
her facebook's as public as her vagina
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
