Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
It was a blind-side dick pic.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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