you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
