No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
cat food counts as protein by the way
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
