where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
