Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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