Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
