somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
