The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
