I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
