my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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