Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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