my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
