i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
