Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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