Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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