PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
