im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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