Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
