I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
