I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
