My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
This toilet bowl is my home.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
