Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
