So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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