1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
