how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
