Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Pooping to opera.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
